I went through the new-mom-depression phase for a while too. I wondered why people want to go through all this to have kids. Why do they want to kill their strong bodies by putting themselves though the crazy pregnancy-delivery process? Why do they want to completely change the lives they were leading and devote every moment to a screaming tiny newborn? Why do you want to forsake sleep and leisurely baths and other fun stuff to this human being that came out of your body? And to top it all, it is a thankless job. You are supposed to do it. Because you are a mom.
At the same time, I was horrified at myself for having these thoughts. Why didn’t I naturally love being a mom? Why didn’t my love just overflow from my heart and banish all these negative thoughts? Weren’t moms meant to be made of unconditional love? What was wrong with me??!!
Thankfully, that phase lasted for only a couple of weeks and I was converted when I finally fell in love with my baby. My beautiful baby girl Zainab. She slowly taught me what it meant to become a mom. She taught me unconditional love. She gave me all the answers to why people have children. And slowly everything became worth it. The sleepless nights, the constant crying, the fussy meal times, the physical exertion, the absence of a social life... it was all worth it. Because I was a mom.
Now apart from the physical aches that were present, I realised another ache. One that hurt much much more. The aches in my heart that I got when my darling little girl got hurt. Or when she struggled with something. Each time I would wish I could wish away her pain. Or physically remove the pain from her body and place it in mine. Her vaccination days made me weep long before and long after the pricks. Every tooth that sprouted through her gums made me instinctively place my hand on my own jaw wondering how bad it must be for her. When she was around 10 months she had a bad case of constipation. It broke my heart to see her body go rigid and her face all contorted as she cried out for me to do something to help her. It’s heart-wrenching to see your child suffer. And it’s amazing that parents suddenly become so vulnerable to aches when it comes to their child.
Every day is a test when you are a parent. Today I have another reason for my heart to get all knotted up with pain and fear. Another reason to have the tears spilling over my cheeks at the most inconvenient of times. I won’t get into the details in this post; I’ll save it for another time. But when Zainab is older, I want her to know that her mom is going to be there for her every step of the way. It’s all just part of the surprises life keeps throwing up. Like hurdles in a race. This too shall pass, sweetheart.
Yes Sumira you are very right... being a parent itself is a test especially for the MOM. Every single day there is something to worry and something to be happy about. Every mom has her own bundle of worries :-)...i can relate to all your ACHES!
ReplyDeleteYour post made my Sun morning :)
ReplyDeleteIts a pleasure reading your blogs Sumira, they're wonderfully well written and very relatable!
ReplyDeleteAww Sumi...your blogs..really stir something inside...and like the other comments mention...totally relate to them.
ReplyDeleteI still think you should start working on a short stories kinda novel...I just finished one and it kept reminding me of you..looking forward to yours :-)
You know,once i was teaching my older son to wipe after he finishes potty.....and he said" Its only a matter of few days mom and then I Won't NEED YOU" This statement suddenly punched me on the face and i started spilling tears,mumbling "my son wont need me anymore" I got a look of"I don't think she's even from Venus!she must be from a planet farther than that!" from my hubby.Now you can imagine what kind of Emotional fool i am!:) I think the trauma of child birth alters our brain cells forever.Even though i have a 100 complaints throughout the day about how i am raising the kids with no help,I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world:) loved the post and totally agree with every word.
ReplyDeleteThank you all. I wanted to reply to each comment but running short of time. Keep reading the ABC posts. :)
ReplyDelete